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The Ballad Of badtz-maru
Jan 10th, 2006 by jens

I had a tiny Linux box
Its name was badtz-maru ;
It sat out in the office
Serving tunes for me and you.

One day the Squeezebox just went black!
I didn’t know what to do!
Safari, ssh and ping
Lost touch with badtz-maru.
The living room was silent
(Between games of Pikachu).
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Lesser-known scripting languages
Jun 29th, 2005 by jens

Just when it seemed, a decade ago, that the programming world had settled on C++ as the lingua franca, the One Language To Rule Them All, instead we got an explosion of new high-level languages that have risen to popularity. Why did this happen? Chiefly because the World-Wide Web has conditioned users to expect five-second delays before any responses to their actions, which provides an environment ideally suited for interpreted, garbage-collected scripting languages. This movement has been encouraged by server vendors like Sun and IBM who are eager to show Web developers the productivity increases they can get by using such languages, especially after they then install massively powerful servers.
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Anagrams
May 19th, 2004 by jens

Way back in 1989 my friend M@ and I used to work at a font company called Kingsley/ATF Type Corporation. One evening after work—actually we were still at work, physically speaking—we began to consider the subject of anagrams of the company name. After running off the necessary letters (in 100pt ITC Galliard all caps from an Adobe Type 1 font, using Microsoft Word 4.0 on a Mac SE, printing to a 300dpi Apple LaserWriter NTX) and cutting them out (I forget the brand name of the scissors) we set to with gusto.

The results you can see below. Some phrases are innately anagrammable and some aren’t. KINGSLEY/ATF and KINGSLEY/ATF TYPE CORP had vast possibilities, some (SLAG TYPE FIN?) stretching the limits of comprehensibility, others (ALFKE GIN STY, ITSY FLAN KEG, TINTY SLOG) proving so useful that they worked their way into our daily conversation. I’ve highlighted my favorites in boldface.

KINGSLEY / A.T.F.

FISKY TANGLE FLY EATS KING G.I’S FELT YANK FINKS GET LAY
INKY F.L. STAGE YET FIG SLANK SKY LIFE TANG FILA SKY GENT
GEAKY S.F. LINTK.Y. FLING SATEKATEY FLINGSSKATEY FLING
TINKLY SAFE “G”E.G., YAK FLINTSSTAG, FLY NIKEK.Y. ANGEL FIST
ITSY FLAN KEGFLYING SKATELIFE’S TANGY KF.Y.I.: KENT GALS
SLANTY IF KEGSKANTY IF LEGTYKE FINS LAGGLINTY FAKES
TINGLY FAKESSET FLAY KINGGET SKIN FLAYALFKE GIN STY
TYKES IN FLAGSTINGY ALFKESTINGY FLAKEFLAKEY STING
KINGLY FATESFINKY G. TESLAF.Y.I.: LEG STANKF.Y.I.: TANK LEGS
SLY KING FATEINK GETS A FLYFEY SLAT KINGSTINKY F. GALE
FINKY G. STALESKY FELT GAINFINKS YET LAGSKIN FELT GAY
SING, FELT YAK!SLAG TYKE FINI STANK, E.G. FLYSAY “KING FELT
SAY “FIG KNELTKNIFE STY GALE.G., FAT SLINKYSKIN YET FLAG

KINGSLEY / A.T.F. TYPE CORP.

YES, FLATTEN PORKY C. PIG!YA KEPT FLYING COPTERS
P. ALFKE C PROGS YET TINYFINER TYPES LACK O.T. GYP
SPANK EGYPT? TRIFLE COYPINK EGYPT FELT SO RACY!
GECKO PREY-NIFTY SPLATFLAT TYPES GROPE INKY “C”
PECK FELT SIN PAY “GROTY”PLATTY FINGERS KEY COP
CLIFT’S PERKY PET AGONYSNOTTY GRAPE FLICK? YEP
G.Y. LIKE CRAP TYPE FONTSPICKY SYNGE LEAPT FOR T
YIKES! CRAPPY FONT GELTYETI FLOGS CRAPPY KENT
CATS PRONG KEY ELF. PITY!FELT PANTIES: CORKY GYP?
CORK PIG FELT Ye PANTIESLACK OF TEENY-PIGSTY P.R.
GOY PAINTER KEPT S.C. FLYFIG PLANTERS COPY TYKE
FRANCE, EGYPT: SPIKY LOT!FINKY PLATER GETS GOPY
SOFT, INKY GEL-TYPE CRAPSLY KENT OF PEPTIC GRAY
CLONE REG. FATTY SKIPPYGEEKS FLY IN COPT PARTY
EGYPT FIRES LANKY COPTFLY, TANTRIC PEP—GO, KEYS!
TYKE FOGS TEN CRAPPILYYEP, GREY FONT PACK SLIT
FAKE PEP CRY: “TINTY SLOG!”IF TYPE GONE SLACK, TRY P.
PLOY GETS PANICKY FRETPETS PAY FLYING ROCKET
FLYING ROCKET: SPAY PET!GOT PEPTIC? FRANKLY, YES
CG, SPIN PETER ALFKY TOYCG TO PETER ALFKY: SPINY
YO, PETER ALFKY: STING P.C.!PRONG, IF SLACK, YET TYPE
YELTSIN, PACK FOR EGYPTTINY FLACKS GROPE TYPE
FLOG, SPIT, CRANKY PETEYTYKE FLIPS ORANGY PECT
N.Y. GIPPER - TOASTY FLECKYO! FAT N.Y.C. GRIPS PET ELK!
PECK FATTY PRINGLES: OY!YIPPY KEN FELT COG STAR
SPANGLY FEET PRICK TOYLEAKY P.C. FROG, TINY PEST
POPES TRY ICKY FLANGE TPEG TO FRY ICKY PLANETS!
TASTY KING CREEPY FLOPPETTY ELF, SPANKY CORGI
STRANGLE ICKY FOP TYPEINGEST FLOPPY RYE TACK
LEPROSY TANGY IF PECK’TTANGY PRICK FELT POESY
PICKY POETS FELT ANGRYPERKY FACTIONS GET PLY
GAL PERFECTS PINKY TOYFESTERINGLY POKY CAPT.
POLK (TEENY FAT PIG) CRYS

INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY

Here’s a list I found back in 1995:

HEY, IGNORAMUS—WIN PROFIT? HA!
OH-OH, WIRING SNAFU: EMPTY AIR
I’M ON A HUGE WISPY RHINO FART
ENORMOUSE HAIRY PIG WITH FAN
WHEN FORMING, UTOPIA’S HAIRY
A ROUGH WHIMPER OF INSANITY
OH, WORMY INFURIATING PHRASE
INSPIRE HUMANITY, WHO GO FAR
WAITING FOR ANY PROMISE, HUH?
HI-HO! YOW! I’M SURFING ARPANET!
NEW UTOPIA? HORRIFYING SHAM

(Information Superhighway anagrams copyright©1995 by the author, Mike Morton. All rights reserved. You may reproduce this, in whole or in part, in any form provided you retain this paragraph unchanged.)

Make Your Own Anagrams

The correct way to generate anagrams is to write or print the source word/phrase in large type, cut out the letters, and push them around. But if you’re feeling lazy, you can try an automatic anagram generator. Of course, you’ll still have to pick through a huge list of anagrams for the few that actually make any sense at all.

“Whose round soft dog fidgeting.”
May 13th, 2004 by jens

This was appended to one of the rare spams to make it through Mail’s filter. Perhaps the filter knew I would enjoy some strange mechanical poetry?

Whose round       soft dog fidgeting.
Whose noisy laptop is on fire.
Our round mp3 player falls.
Whose stupid shining hairy bluish expensive white noisy mp3 player arrives.
Any given odd shaped forg arrives as soon as his slopy pensil is angry at
the place that his brothers stupid magazine stinks.
Their well-crafted book run while whose white tv stinks and a given white
mp3 player walks.
His slopy binocyles stares at the place        that a noisy ram lies.
Her fancy baby prepare for fight.
Any given beautiful soft bottle prepare for fight.
Whose golden glasses stares the time that                   a noisy dog
looks around.
Whose red white bluish baby smells.
His brothers little noisy dog is thinking or maybe a given soft tall
printer adheres.
A noisy book fidgeting.
His brothers silver fancy odd shaped mouse sleeps.
A given bluish balloon stands-still.
A bluish glasses smiles however, mine fancy shining table is thinking.
Mine tall green sofa
stinks while his brothers white exam book is on fire.
Her daughters silver expensive exam book lies and any smart table fidgeting.
A given small bicycle lies the time that his brothers bluish sport shoes
makes sound.
Our bluish dog stares.
A smart caw arrives as soon as his stupid soda makes sound and still her
daughters white forg got an idea.
Our fancy picture show its value.

—”Anthony”; from “100% free local sluts”

Super Leaf Blower 64™ Official Players’ Guide
Dec 8th, 2003 by jens

Yesterday I got acquainted with our leaf-blower. It’s electric, thank Cthulhu, but not what you’d call “whisper quiet”. We got it as a gift several years ago, and I tried it once back then and it just blew the leaves into a huge swirling cloud that settled down exactly where it began. So I disappointedly put it in the shed and forgot about it.

This time, though, I treated it as if it were some new and powerful item from a game. The controls seem simple — just press the A button to turn it on/off and rotate the C stick to point it, kind of like Luigi’s Mansion — but it takes time to master. Here’s my brief player’s guide:

Anywhere near a wall you get the howling leaf tornado that I experienced before; I’m not sure if this is a bug or intentional, but avoid that. The brick patio was the best surface, though I had to evade obstacles like the picnic table to get those elusive remaining leaves for bonus points. The limited length of the extension cord added an element of strategy, as I often had to retrace my path to unwind the cord from around trees and posts.

Once the patio was cleared I was faced with the trickier lawn level, where all the leaves had now collected. I started at one end and moved back and forth in a raster scan for a while. The leaves get stuck in the grass blades so the best technique seemed to be to aim low to levitate them, then high to blast the levitated leaves forwards. Combined with the horizontal raster scan, this required continuous nozzle movement. Grabbing the middle of the protruding pipe helped make this easier.

The gameplay was kept fresh by the innovative use of different types of leaves. The small ash leaves move more easily, of course, while the larger mulberry leaves take more lift to go airborne but prove more aerodynamic once in flight. I appreciated the ability to move at will from one end of the lawn to the other — this type of open-ended GTA-3 style play kept my interest.

Finally the endgame — or so I thought! — came with the final mission: forming all the leaves into a pile. Once the leaf area becomes compact enough, you have to deal with the more subtle effects of the blower, such as that it sends the leaves not straight forwards but across about a 90° angle, which can easily move other leaves away from the pile if you’re not careful. Switching back to the “rake” item helped here.

It was at this point that the game went into an unexpected final twist. “Princess N” — the requisite cute-sidekick NPC character — had been around throughout the game. It’s possible to switch the leaf-blower to her (use the Z button). While her small size and frankly limited AI make her not very useful with the blower, it must be said that the animations and detailed facial expressions make the experience quite amusing.

When not controlling the blower, Princess N occupied her time playing in the leaves with little doll figures. The twist, then, was that as soon as I’d gathered all the leaves into a perfect pile, there came a heart-rending cutscene in which Princess N tearfully announced that she’d lost her beloved Garden Fairy doll. I of course selected “Yes” when asked to find the doll, and we went into a painstaking fetch-quest for the missing 2” item.

Unfortunately I didn’t have any luck, even after D very sweetly took advantage of the two-player co-op mode to lend a hand. So I didn’t get the best score for the episode, although I thought I did quite well for a first time. I saved the game right before the final task, carrying the leaves to the curb; I need to finish that up before the real-time clock hits Thursday morning, when the “trash collectors” arrive, or I’ll be hit with a stiff penalty.

Here’s my off-the-cuff rating:
Gameplay: 9.0 [surprisingly hard to master, but satisfying once you do]
Graphics: 8.0 [beautiful motion-capture and particle effects]
Sound: 5.0 [loud whirring is realistic but gets boring. Good voice acting, though.]
Replay value: 8.5 [you can play this nearly every day, with new randomly-generated leaf configurations]
Overall rating (not an average): 7.9

A Koan For Video Gamers
Sep 4th, 2002 by jens

The Zen master Yoshi was playing a video game. Seated in the lotus position, he expertly maneuvered the controller with his gnarled hands. Nevertheless, on the screen Mario failed to leap from one block to the next and plummeted screaming into the void.

Again, Yoshi began the same level. Again, the moving platforms eluded the sprite onscreen.

Seventeen more times, master Yoshi caused the hapless plumber to fall into nothingness and lose another life.

Still, his pose remained serene, and a bud of a smile played on his lips.

At last the novice Ohta, who had been watching the whole time, could not contain himself. “Master,” he blurted out, “how can you remain so calm in the face of so excruciatingly difficult a level? Even when the platforms evaporate into thin air when you are yet a split second from reaching the Shine that is your goal? How do you restrain yourself from throwing the controller through the nearest shoji?”

Master Yoshi replied:

“The platform is not moving.
Mario is not moving.
Only the mind is moving.”

At that instant, Ohta attained enlightenment.

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