Twitter: Charming in brief doses, he tells you little one-liner jokes, then wanders off after two sentences to go talk at somebody else. He absolutely will not shut up for an instant, and namedrops shamelessly about his famous friends. When he’s outworn his welcome he passes out drunk on the floor and has to be dragged home.
MySpace: Who? Oh, right, this anorexic high-school girl who threw herself at you at a party once in 2005. She kept bragging about all the bands she knew (and which you could overhear on the tinny earbuds she wore.) After one too many Jägermeister Jell-O shots she barfed Day-Glo all over your shoes. Last you’ve heard, she’s found some 80-year-old media mogul to be her sugar daddy.
Facebook: You vaguely remember him from high school. He was a nonentity then and he’s equally uninteresting now, but he’s somehow infiltrated your circle of friends and shows up at every social event you go to, telling boring anecdotes about last night’s game and what he bought at Wal*Mart. Worse, it seems he’s joined some cult and wants you to join too so he can go up a level.
Tumblr: She’s got impeccable taste, a lovely apartment and fascinating stories, but after a while you realize she only talks about what other people have done; she doesn’t have an original thought in her head. She won’t carry on a conversation, either, so the only way to get her to pay attention to you is to repeat back something she’s already told you.
Soup.io: Similar to Tumblr, but with a cute Austrian accent. She’s more conversational, but on the downside she sometimes insists on talking to you in German.
LiveJournal: A mysterious Goth chick you were introduced to at a club. After you strike up a friendship with her, she starts telling you all her innermost secrets whenever you see her. This is terribly alluring at first, enough so that you can overlook her appallingly bad fanfic, but after a while you begin to realize how seriously disturbed she is. Around then she abruptly stops showing up, and you’re never sure whether she killed herself or just moved to a more elite social circle. You never learn her real name.
[Update: I’ve changed two of them to male. I wanted to be consistent in the personification, but in retrospect that leaves me open to charges of sexism, which absolutely wasn’t intended. They all have male counterparts, of course, whom I’d love to hear about if you want to write about them.]
