So far, this blog’s main claim to fame has been as the #2-ranked Google hit for [apricot jam recipe]. But that’s no longer enough to sustain my extravagant lifestyle, so I’m following the next most obvious business opportunity: Elephant jokes! These were huge (the jokes) when I was a kid, but they seem to have been largely forgotten, which is a shame. I tested them out on my kids today, and they still work fine.
These jokes are, admittedly, about as unoriginal as my jam recipe. And the list was generated roughly the same way as the jam, by picking pre-existing collections, cleaning off the typos, and boiling them down a lot. In fact, I’ll lead off with an apricot joke:
Q: How is an elephant like an apricot?
A: They are both gray. Well, except the apricot.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in the refrigerator?
A: The door won’t shut.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in the refrigerator
earlier?
A: Footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge in the first place?
A: Open door; Insert elephant; Close door.
Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
A: Open door; Remove elephant; Insert giraffe; Close door.
Q: What’s the difference between a dozen eggs and an elephant?
A: If you don’t know, I’m sure not going to send you to the store for a
dozen eggs!
Q: What the difference between a herd of elephants and a bunch of
grapes?
A: Grapes are purple, elephants are gray.
Q: How do you stop a charging elephant?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: What did Tarzan say when the elephants charged?
A: “Look out, here come the elephants!”
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: “Look, a herd of elephants in the distance!”
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants with sunglasses?
A: Nothing. He didn’t recognize them.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: “Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!”
Q: What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: “Look! A herd of grapes in the distance!” [Jane is color
blind.]
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They listened to Jane, and looked at the plums.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don’t! You get down from a goose.
Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A: He doesn’t! Even elephants know you get down from a goose!
Q: Oh, all right. How do elephants get out of trees?
A: They float down on the leaves between 4pm and 6pm.
Q: What do you call an elephant that rides a bus?
A: A passenger.
Q: Why don’t African elephants like to play cards?
A: Because of all the cheetahs.
Q: What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian
elephant?
A: About 3,000 miles.
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don’t sink in the sand.
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: They’re looking for the elephants that forgot to wear their sandals.
Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing: peanuts can’t talk.
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
A: Nothing: it just let out a little whine.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A1: She slipped.
A2: She was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: He was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: He thought it was a game.
Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because when his mother asked “If all your friends jumped out of a
tree, would you?”, he said “Yes!”
Q: Why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: What’s gray on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell’s Cream Of Elephant Soup.
Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: So he wouldn’t fall into the hot chocolate.
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street
wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They’re all on the same team.
Q: What’s gray and has four legs and a trunk?
A: A mouse going on vacation.
Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: “Sir”.
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want: it can’t hear you.
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: What’s gray, yellow, gray, yellow, gray, yellow, gray, yellow … ?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth.
Q: What’s gray, yellow, gray, yellow, THUMP, gray, black, blue,
gray, black, blue … ?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth, that hit a
rock.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: So they can stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have such large, tough feet?
A: So they can stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: What’s gray and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey The Elephant.
Q: What do you get when you cross elephants with peanut butter?
A1: Elephants that stick to the roof of your mouth.
A2: Elephants that spread easily.
Q: Why did the elephant wear red sneakers?
A: So he could hide in the apple tree.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: To hide in cherry trees.
Q: Why do elephants hide in cherry trees?
A: So they can jump out and stomp on people.
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia.
Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
A: Cold ones.
Q: What’s convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds?
A: An elephant six-pack.
Q: How do elephants talk to each other?
A: By ’elephone.
Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?
A: For carrying their library cards.
Q: What’s gray, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to
elephants?
A: The Tusk Fairy.
Q: Where do elephants with skin problems go?
A: Pachydermatologists.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Eliphino
Q: What’s the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
A: You can’t make a paper airplane out of an elephant.
Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: Take two scoops of ice cream, some soda, and one elephant.
Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant in the ice cream shop?
A: His bike is outside.
Q: How can you tell if there are two elephants in the ice cream shop?
A: There’s a dent in the cross-bar.
Q: How can you tell if there are three elephants in the ice cream
shop?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Q: Why do elephants have gray skin?
A: To hold their insides together.
Q: Why are elephants so wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A1: Because they’d look silly with glove compartments.
A2: Because they don’t have pockets.
Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
A: From playing marbles.
Q: Why do elephants have crinkly feet?
A: To give the ants a chance.
Q: Why are elephants large, gray and wrinkled?
A: If they were small, round and white, they’d be aspirins.
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.
Q: What time is it when an elephant sit on your sofa?
A: Time to get a new sofa.
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your toilet?
A: Time to run away.
Q: Where do you find elephants?
A: It depends on where you left them.
Q: What do you say when an elephant sneezes?
A: “Gesundheit”.
Q: How do you fit 5 elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.
Q: What goes, “Clomp, clomp, clomp, squish, clomp, clomp, clomp,
squish?”
A: An elephant with a wet sneaker.
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: It was the chicken’s day off.
Q: Why did the elephant lie down in the middle of the road?
A: To trip the ants.
Q: What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?
A: You would miss most of the show.
Q: What is the biggest type of ant?
A: An eleph-ant.
Q: What’s as big as an elephant, but doesn’t weigh anything?
A: An elephant’s shadow.
Q: Why were the elephants kicked out of the swimming pool?
A: They couldn’t keep their trunks up.
Q: Why wasn’t the elephant allowed on the airplane?
A: Because his trunk wouldn’t fit under the seat.
Q: Why were the elephants the last animals off the ark?
A: Because they had to pack their trunks.
Q: Why did the elephant paint her toenails all different colors?
A: So she could hide in a bag of m&m’s.
Q: What would you get if you crossed two fish with two elephants?
A: A pair of swimming trunks.
Q: What should you do to a blue elephant?
A: Cheer it up.
Q: What should you do to a red elephant?
A: Quit telling it dirty jokes.
Q: What should you do to a yellow elephant?
A: Teach it to be brave.
Q: What should you do to a white elephant?
A: Hold its nose until it turns blue, then follow the directions for a
blue elephant.
Q: What should you do to a green elephant?
A1: Wait until it gets ripe.
A2: Bury it! You were only supposed to hold its nose until it
turned blue.
Q: How did the cheerleader die?
A: She tried to catch an elephant doing a split.
Q: How does an elephant get out of a phone booth?
A: Same way she got in.
Q: Why don’t elephants ride bicycles?
A: They don’t have thumbs to ring the bell.
Q: What weighs 5,000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant!
Q: What has 6 legs, 3 ears, 4 tusks, and 2 trunks?
A: An elephant with spare parts.
Q: What’s large and gray and goes around and around in circles?
A: An elephant stuck in a revolving door.
Q: What do elephants have that no other animals have?
A: Baby elephants.
Q: Why do elephants stomp on people?
A: They like the squishy feeling between their toes.
Q: What game do elephants like to play most?
A: Squash!
Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: “Meow!”
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So they can hide upside-down in the custard.
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
Q: How do you catch an elephant?
A: Wait at a street corner, and when you see the elephant raise your
hand and yell, “Yo, elephant!”
Q: How does an astronomer catch an elephant?
A: With a telescope, a matchbox, and a pair of tweezers. Go to the
jungle, and when you see an elephant, turn the telescope the wrong way
around and look through it. The elephant will now be so small that you
can pick it up with the tweezers and put it in the matchbox.
Q: How does a programmer catch an elephant?
A: Fly to Cape Town and head east. When you reach the ocean, go slightly
north and head west. Keep repeating this until you see an elephant, then
grab it.
Q: How does an experienced programmer catch an elephant?
A: The same way; but before you start, you place an elephant at
Gibraltar, so you won’t fall into the Mediterranean if there are no
elephants.
Q: How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?
A: Take out all the matches first.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.
Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.
Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him “lunch”.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Wait for it to run away.
Q: What was the elephant doing on the freeway?
A: About 5 miles per hour.
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free parking.
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don’t be stupid, elephants can’t change light bulbs!
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: How do you know if an elephant’s been sleeping in your bed?
A: Peanut shells under the pillow.
Q: How do you know if there’s an elephant in your bed right now?
A: He has a big ‘E’ on his pajamas’ jacket pocket.
Q: How do you know if there’s an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
Q: What if you don’t want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
Q: Why isn’t it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the
afternoon?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
Q: Why are elephants’ feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.
Q: Why isn’t it safe to go into the pond between 4 and 6 in the
afternoon?
A: That’s when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
Q: Why are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: What’s more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of
your car?
A: Getting two elephants into the back seat of your car.
Q: How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby’s forehead.
Q: Why did the elephant wear sunglasses?
A: With all the silly elephant jokes going around, it didn’t want to be
recognized.
Q: What do elephants do for laughs?
A: They tell people jokes.